Today, in one of my pastlife sessions, I finally saw it. My goodness, Nadya. Had I only known that you suffered so much in Borisovka and that you considered me such a drag on your life. That I was such a burden without any reward anymore for you. While you were suffering, I was adoring you. I was sitting in my room upstairs in Borisovka and was marveling at how blessed I was to have such a perfect wife... your smile, your hair, your Russianness, your everything. How you stood before me holding Kira in your arms, how you played with the children and danced with them, how happy they were, how you brightened up my life whenever you came into my room to tell me something small or when I saw you outside of my room teaching. I loved that you brought English into Russia. I loved your reasoning to start homeschooling, and I loved your reasoning to stop it.

How happy I was imagining us growing old side by side, sitting together, gray and happy, talking about the kids and grand kids.

You still make me happy whenever I think about you, which is every day and night.. and when I wake up in the middle of my sleep. I was telling everyone in Germany, and still am, that you are a perfect wife even after the divorce. I told Jaroslaw, just a few weeks ago (when he was here in Dortmund) that you are a perfect wife.

Your decision to divorce me came at just the right time to start my pastlife excursions. You are a perfect wife, even in divorce. However, there is one drawback: I constantly catch myself wanting to share a lot with you but can't:

"Oh, I wonder what she would think about this."

"Can't wait until she finds out who the people are in her life."

"Oh no, she will be really upset when she finds out what happened."

"I wish she knew why she has the feelings she has."

"God I already know that she will come crying to me as soon as she discovers."

I often think about how sad I am when you leave me standing in the hotel after only a few words. About how I am melting in Borisovka when I see you even from far away. Like when being stranded on an island and one sees a ship on the horizon coming closer. Tell me, why didn't you meet me more often in Borisovka?

My days in Germany without you and the kids are a martyrdom every day. Constant suffering thinking about you and him. To this day, I cannot imagine being with another woman. Other women on the street pale immediately as soon as I compare them to you, I immediately lose interest. Even when lying in bed with another woman, I talk about you and praise your name.

Had I only known how it drove you mad that I was in front of the house speaking with the kids. That you planned to rid yourself of me with his help to finally be free. Now this stone has finally been lifted. There is so much more I want to tell you. Believe it or not, your bladder pain was part of the riddle.

I am sorry that it took me so long. It was one riddle after the next, one unsolved mystery after the other, one matrix inside another matrix, so many lifetimes spanning multiple millennia. But I was pushed forward by the desire to find out every single reason why our marriage failed, to inspect each of your complaints what I did wrong, to discover each feeling you hid away from me, and to honestly find every flaw in me, so I would be able to become a better husband.

Oh, and I love Sergei's role, too. Sergei is the unsung hero in this whole story. Sergei's burden was far greater than you can imagine. Maybe you both feel some relief already, too. He is my friend and I will reward him greatly as soon as I can. Moreover, his chicken eggs were on another level.

It was God's Hand that prevented me from coming to Borisovka for one year, so I could live to finally solve the mysteries.

And now, after I have been such a burden and of no use to you in Russia, I have found at least one valuable function that a partner has even after becoming an unbearable burdeb: to perhaps change the partner's mind a little.

And thank you for your birthday wishes. They meant more than anything to me on that day.

Oh, I see. He lets you eat his ass (and more). And makes you love it. God, this makes me so unbelievably horny. I cannot think about anything else. So this is what you needed to learn: To be a dirty submissive good little girl and love it. So that one day, you will be an even more perfect wife and practice all the newly acquired techniques on me, exactly as I always wanted you to do but never dared to ask.

You always were perfect, now you are more perfect, with me you will be most perfect. I literally cannot wait.

You are the perfect wife, even when cheating on me. It would be even hotter if you could think intensely about me while eating.

It took the power of Rasputin to achieve this goal. Thank you for using this "coincidence" of him being in Borisovka just when you needed it, and we were ripe for divorce.

Unrivaled sexual prowess to which all women succumb.

[Update] Wait, maybe this is a bad idea. It could put pictures of me into his ass. Would probably make him upset. He would notice that something isn't right. It's not nice to have German smurfs in one's ass, haha.

I always loved it when I knew your emotions. I just wish you had been more honest with me when we were together. That you would have hatefucked me or ragefucked me. When you would have let out your suppressed feelings and offloaded them on me so that your soul would be less burdened but mine would be honored by your honesty or tasked with the task of finding a solution.

I feel like myself when you are around. I love it when I can be part of your emotional space. When you stream everything into me, onto me. Can't literally get enough of it, talk to you for hours and let you let out everything that's on your mind. Greatest turn-on ever. I love it, looooove it when you can be honest with me, even when it can hurt me. Much greater turn on to see you being honest than to potentially being hurt by you. The only things that really hurt were when a) you told me that you felt sexually harassed by me, b) when you filed for divorce, c) when you rubbed it often in my face how much more sexual satisfied you are with him and how much bigger his thundercock is and d) when you threatened to claim I had shown inappropriate sexual behavior toward Kira, which you very well knew was a vicious lie. I knew you were under emotional stress back then and needed that divorce, but it was a vicious lie nevertheless. You never stated it in words, but you wanted to do it as some kind of last resort.

And, of course, what was really hurting were e) the endless nights after the divorce when I could not emotionally get over it and hated every day. Hated it that you wanted to forget me and indeed managed to do so.

But you see, the reason why I made this divorce so easy for you without any real effort of mine to stop you from being with him, was that I really felt you needed it. That it was really important to you to be away from me and with this man. Such was my love for you that I felt that your emotional well-being at that time was more important than my immense suffering. I felt that any resistance of mine would have let to a helpless feeling of dark angry upsetness inside you.

It took me a very long time to find out the reasons behind these things. I found them and it cleansed my soul. Very interesting pastlife connections. These discoveries are wonderful, very rich unbelievable emotions. Positive emotions that are nearly too extreme to be experienced by a small human brain. And negative emotions that are nearly too depressing or too upsetting to be handled by one person alone. Lying for 30 minutes unable to move out of sheer anger or depression. Maybe that's the reason why I must go through them first without you. So that later when you go through them, I am nearby and you can safely approach them if they can't be handled by either of us alone.

These emotions are so massive because they are about us both, because we have been together for millennia, my unbelievable, unbelievable beautiful love of ages. You can be old or crazy or ugly or messed up as much as you want. Without makeup and without hair, as you well know. Just your mere presence shines a beautiful light on everything around you. All the other things like your bodily beauty and your beautiful face (which is always very appealing to me in every life we meet) are just the cherry on top. By the way, in pastlifes we didn't meet, you were uglier. So even your body is a gift to me. Like a birthday present every day.

So there's no more grudge. It's actually unfair that I am two years ahead of you in this regard. There shouldn't be such a distance of emotional cleansing between us both. But I have the suspicion that the cleansing will be near instantaneous for you as soon as I am finished. Since I am pretty sure that already now you feel some changes in your space, my theory is probably not too far off.

Remember when you told me you liked to clean a house to kind of make it your own? That's indeed what you do. Everything you touch becomes holy for me. The Nadyaness of everything you touch or look at, I love it so much. Your mere presence heals me. It was better that you never came to my hotel room, the constant presence of your Nadyaness in the walls would have made it even more unbearable. Remember when I told you in Cyprus (the first time you came into my house) that after you slept in my room I spent the next night sleeping in the same room instead of mine. Remember that? Already then you made my walls happy and my sleep cozy.

I can't even believe I write you all these things. But it's time that I am honest with you and share my inner world, too. That's what good husbands should do, even when not married. Moreover, I partly wrote Martin briefly about it, as you probably know already.

Feel free to write to me anything you want to write about. As honest as possible. From useless to important. From whining to cold facts. From nice to mean. From sexy to disgusting and sick. No holding back. The sicker and more disgusting the better, because then I know you're opening up and won't hesitate to tell me less severe things.

Write a whole book if you must. Just for me. Let everything out, blast me with your streams.

Stream, baby, stream.

I will read every word ten times and kiss the monitor. Then I will go to bed and (more than just) think about it.

You can write a few sentences in Telegram, then delete them immediately. That way nobody will know even when someone looks at your Telegram.

It's interesting that you tend to put emotions you hold back into your legs. Therefore, your legs are prone to get ill (vein issues, joint issues etc.) You hide your feelings away from yourself even inside your body. Far away from your face and ass so that your face and ass stay appealing as long as possible. You are a perfect wife even when not being honest.

However! That means that you need a husband who can read your legs, so to speak. To tickle all the suppressed anger out of your legs, so you can let go. You need a husband whom you can tell: "Something is wrong with my legs, you are responsible for them!"

What caused the divorce, in part was not that you hid your feelings, but that you hid that you hid them. Since I trusted you, I never introspected you to find that veil behind which you hid them. Maybe you are such a good hider that it's not possible for me to find your veils. Please open up to me as much as you can. Makes my pastlife excursions even sweeter.

I started to realize that something was up when you told me about the situation with Evgeny. It's not only that you were suddenly telling me private stuff, but it was a similar feeling like when you decided to get divorced from your first husband and you didn't want to share some things with him but rather with me. Probably Sergei doesn't like Evgeny, so you would rather prefer not to share them with him. It had some divorce vibes on the playground when you told me about Evgeny. This strange closing up and at the same time this strange emotional shift from one man to another man. It's as if you're kicking one man out of your space and instead embrace another man in it. I so hated it when you kicked me out of your space, which was a yearlong gradual process by the way. It was a terrible feeling when it was completed, it felt like a limb had been amputated, just so you know how it feels. You, however, don't know how it feels, because after the divorce I always kept you in my space.

So think about it: First you get to the lowest level of appreciation for Sebastian = a level where you kick me out completely and don't share anything with me and even want to see me dead. THEN Evgeny has this health implosion AND THEN you begin to open up. You weren't really opening up even though I was heavily fixing pastlife issues. So your father's health collapse was kind of necessary to make you open up just enough. He got ill so that we could come together again.

But back to Evgeny. I really like Evgeny. Nice guy. Just the fact alone that he's your father upgrades him. But even if he weren't he's nice. As I told you back then I really like it that he's the grandfather of Ron, whom I gave your father's name.

As I wrote, your presence makes me feel like myself, so kicking me out was a double whammy because now I was kicked out of your emotional space AND not feeling like myself. I love it that now you put me back in. I make you feel like yourself, too, by the way. However, it makes Mr Rasputin more unpredictable because you're kicking him out of your space and he's a very possessive guy who protects (or rather fences in) his woman as if she's his property on a leash. So he's kind of holding/keeping you in his house while you are a friendly host who is keeping him in your house (in Borisovka) AND home. Kicking him out of your beautiful space is nasty for him, too.

Sooooo... as you may have guessed, I absolutely adore you. Can't get me to think about other women. Sometimes I am horny and decide to watch porn, but then the porn actresses turn me off. Can you imagine? Porn has the power to turn off my horniness because "No Nadya No Erection". I once tried in Borisovka to force me to find you less sexy. Once, I saw you from behind and I forced myself to think, Nah she's not THAT sexy. But no chance, I am not heterosexual but Nadyasexual. Nadyasexual even from behind. I have a hopeless case of Nadyadiction and no Nadyaholics Anonymous could ever help.

You turn me on alone when you cross my mind for a few seconds. Which unfortunately happens all the time. The pastlife excursions made it worse. And since you are the main character in them, saying that I merely "think" about you is an illegal understatement. I explore your deep inner self and my inner self. Your soul is naked to me all the time. And I love watching your soul, exploring it, checking what I can find in there. Even thinking about your past selves (or should be written "selfs" in this case?) turns me on. You turn me on just as you turned me on in pastlifes.

Some time in September 2024, I got strong visions about you performing deep level ass sucking techniques on me like there's no tomorrow. The world championship of intimacy. And now, at the end of November, you have started to perfect the spiritual art of entering my soul. I feel your presence so clearly when your spiritual head enters mine, soul-soul-overlap. And I already felt it how it is when you are with me and want me to cum, or if you perform your sex acts on me. Ultimate intimacy. Will you lick my testicles and make it extra dirty? Cleaning what must be cleaned?

And what about your bladder issues? Do you know that I have an ever-growing ability to put your bladder into my spiritual mouth? Your bladder will be horny, just as a clit can get horny. I will suck your bladder just as you suck a cock. You will have intense sexual feelings when your bladder is full of urine and hard'n'horny. Then my spiritual mouth and tongue will play with it. You will squirt out your urine during bladdergasm.

Holding hands is sooooo inferior, haha.

When we are both ready, there will be recursive soul-soul overlap. I enter spiritually into your body, just like a hand enters a glove. I will "love you and glove you". I will feel all of your body sensations as I thrust my cock in your ass, and I feel what you feel, and you feel what I feel, and I feel that you feel what I feel. And so on.

You will feel how it feels to have a cock, my cock will become your his-cock. And your ass will become my her-ass. You will finally know why you kind of always wanted to know how it is to have a cock. You are not transexual, you are his-cock-sexual.

Also, I want you to force yourself spiritually around my spirit. Then you will experience the total sexual perversion of getting horny from making another one not being able to shake you off. Your spirit will surround mine, and then you will squeeze as much as you can until I can't bear the closeness. You will surround me, glue yourself to me, squeeze me like an Anaconda into unescapable motionlessness... and it will turn you on. And I will suffer from the squeeze and the madness of being forced to become an object, but I also will be turned on by your sexual squeeze-pleasure. Therefore, I will experience the sexual perversion of not being able to move. It will be so bad --like in the tightest straight-jacket in this universe-- that I will get unconscious. You will squeeze me out of existence until you finally cum and relax your squeeze after your murder-burden-gasm ("murdngasm", "burdergasm"). I will experience how it is to be in a universe of suffering and pain until I become an object, but then I will wake up from sub-atomic dark unconsciousness into the highest sexual fulfillment there is: Being in your space again and in your endless satisfaction and in your endless love for me. Recursive reciprocal inversely correlated soul-soul sexual pain-pleasure. As I wrote above, holding hands is so inferior.

So you are a perfect wife even if you become an unbearable burden. It will be such a turn-on for you to know that you can never ever become as unbearable a burden as I was in Borisovka.

Hey, maybe you can try it already when you in bed at night: Not only entering into my head and tongue-kiss me, like you already did. But entering and squeezing me as hard as you can, my sexy murderess. Let me get a pre-taste of your Anaconda superpowers, my sexy snake. Make yourself as heavy as you can, make me hate you, show me the hate you felt when I went on your nerves, show me how unnerving you found me from time to time, stream into me your most ugly disgusting ideas. Scream it all out... and then squeeze me. Squeeze, you monster, squeeze.

Now you know why we love each other so much, yet you wanted me to be murdered in Borisovka. And now I know why it turned me on being murdered --by your command-- in a dark night in Borisovka. You felt it back then that it should be my fate. A preview of what is to come.

And now you can imagine why I had to become a burden.

Wow, do I write much. It's because after so many years I want you to get an update about what's going on. Oh well, I know you do love me, which is why I have this ridiculous outflow of feelings and the awareness of your presence. My writings simply stream out of me. Stream stream stream. You have unplugged a clogged Sebastian like only you can.

You want me to think about you, too, don't you? You love to hear it that my love hasn't died. You're getting soooo soft for me, like warm butter. You want me to hug you, you want me to hold your tits which are getting older and hangier but now are more delicious knowing you have nourished four babies with them. And you want me to touch your thicker belly which gave birth to so many children. You're becoming a MILF that makes my head spin. In fact, you were becoming milfy already back then which actually turned me on.

You want me to be madly in love with you, don't you? Just as I want you to be madly in love with me. Actually, I want myself to be madly in love with you, and you want yourself to be madly in love with me.

You want to lie in bed with me and tell me how much you like me, how I drive you crazy. Already now you think about me when lying in bed at night. I know it makes you horny that I have these unconditional feelings for you. That you can do no wrong, in my view. That you can be soft with me, hard with me, sexy, annoying. I would love it if you could kiss me and tell me your love in Russian. It sounds so sexy when you speak Russian. Such a waste of English. Russian should exist for the fact alone that you could tell me how much you love me. Lying on me, kissing my neck and talking in Russian to me. I love it when women speak Russian, I hate it when men do. Strange but true.

Oooh, and you were so perfect when pregnant. Absolutely lovable. Nadya + Pregnancy is something else. Your cozy homey uterus was beaming out warm motherness. Like being underneath a warm blanket in Babyland. Can't wait to get you pregnant again, any lifetime. You & Me & crying babies. So many babies. God, how I love having crying babies and intelligent children with you. That's why I was in the hotel for months. I love spending time with our children. You are very mistaken thinking that I spent only little time with them in Borisovka, they were near constantly in my rooms upstairs and downstairs.

No other couple like us. Who are we? Who is this Sebastian? Who is this Nadya? Who is Kira? Who is Anya? Why Cyprus? And what has this to do with asses and everything that comes out of them? I know exactly that you are eager to explore the truth.

How did you die last life and the life before that? I actually had the feeling you discovered a few days ago in the kitchen how you died.

Strange, but you have your usual first name very often in your pastlifes, not this life. Try remembering it. Maybe your parents wanted to give you the same name but decided to go for Nadya at the last moment or so.

But who the heck is Mr Thundercock? A small hint: you confused him with me. Confused the copy with the original. When he stood on the stairs outside the house talking to you from above and made your eyes glow, it was exactly this good feeling that you want to experience with your husband. At that time I didn't give you this feeling, he did. So no wonder you wanted a divorce so badly, my confused little wife. You were searching for the real Sebastian and thought to have found him in Sergei when in reality the real Sebastian was standing right beside you but was temporarily out of order. You are guided by an enormous force to be the perfect wife, existing alongside the perfect husband. As I am guided by it, too. The purpose of our existence.

It would be nice if you had a diary so we could compare how my trips and insights coincide with your feelings, thoughts or realizations day by day in Borisovka.

If you can, you can send me some pictures. Or add some pics to your Telegram profile. Choose extra ugly ones, so I don't suffer too much. You can be an ugly MILF with grey hair and yellow teeth, nothing makes you irresistible. MILF overload. Add pics to your profile or something. Anything.

Man, I can't believe I forgot to mention your nipples. I never met another woman with nipples that turned me on so much. Playing with them between my fingers is one of the greatest things ever and one of the things I miss the most.

They are a perfect blend of suppleness and rigidity, a mesmerizing fusion of girliness and motherness, a state-of-the-art calibration of friction and response time, a synergy of function and form... on two perfectly-sized tits. You bewitched me with your sexy nipplecraft.

I wonder how your nipples feel now. A synthesis of milfhood and submissiveness? Of knowing what they want yet desiring new adventures? And is it possible for you to make them especially receptible for a guy like me so that they are recepticles for my energy? I play with them and they would say "We want only him. He wants only us."

I think you already did, but it would be great if you could stream your nipples into my mouth. I would love to taste them again.

I think maybe why your nipples are such a turn-on for me (but not other nipples of other women) is because they match our both ideas of children. After all, nipples are for our babies, too. Maybe they symbolize "If I am happy with her nipples, our babies will be, too." Or "If they are made for me they are made for our babies who are made for us." Or "How could such perfect nipples not have perfect babies?" Nipples don't lie, nipples are so honest.

And gosh, your teeth. You know exactly how they turned me on. Watching all of them. Even now I get vortexy in my head. Told ya, serious case of Nadyadiction.

And, oooooh, don't get me started about your asshole. My hands are getting too shaky to type, I would run into serious health issues due to not being able to be near something that is as close to perfection as your asshole. Could have watched it for hours in a dreamy state. Could have fallen asleep on my side watching it directly before me, knowing I am being taken care of. Like being in a hospital and there's a beautiful nurse who watches over of me.

Ooookay... back to some spirituality. I can see that you are getting insights already, I know it. And even though some of them will make you angry, it will be a healthy anger, it will deflate the Baloon Of Unrelieved Emotions, Impotent Rage, Force-Counterforce Jams And Spinning. Spinning is caused by ever-increasing vicious cycle thoughts. You once mentioned a spinning sensation in you, so that's why I want to point it out here. In my sessions I ran a few times into spinning (including when I was introspecting others) and it was massive. Whuzzing Buzzing High Pitch Rotation, uncontrollable because of something like "Oh, I made the wrong decision. And because of the wrong decision I am forced make another wrong decision", so it gets worse and worse.

But back to the insights. When you have an insight (epiphany, sudden memory regainment, aha moment etc.) you may be angry for a short time. But then you will re-selforganize yourself internally into a better internal state. This is all part of the process. There is no greater joy when doing pastlife introspection than to find out the true reasons for the things that were upsetting, maddening or burdensome. However, while in the "anger state" (could be a few hours or days) you should maybe keep knives, grenades and kids away (and rather shout in the forest than at Irina or so. Never shout at Sergei during these days).

By the way, your slightly "autistic" personality is not really that. It is caused by something extremely dark and grudgeful. The biggest pain ever experienced by a being in all of existence. I got a glance of it recently and I thought this might be my end. I am in awe of what you have been through. You did it for us.

The greatest mistake we made was that we thought we couldn't be honest with each other, and actually this wasn't a mistake because we, indeed, could not. It is only now that we can slowly begin to be completely honest with each other because one partner will be a listening sponge willing to receive any outpouring that the other needs to pour out. Total willingness to be flooded with the partner's emotions, thoughts and importances. And, man, is it important to know what's important for the other. Disagreeing on what is important (and what not) can be very disruptive in a marriage, maybe this was the case in your first marriage. Bad emotions can often be reduced via hugs or saying sorry or sex or whatever. Mis-importances? Not really.

Imagine you lie on my body and then you flow out a grudge against me (and all associated opinions about it) and I do nothing but be a completely willing sponge. You could flow out "I really hated it yesterday when you made that comment" and would simply accept it as fact because it actually is. No resistance, no counter-opinion, no judgmental interjections, no "Yeah but what about". Just willingness to be flooded with your outflow and realize what it is you want me to know. Total openness of the sender, total openness of the receiver. Zero resistance be honest. Zero resistance to be flooded by potential hurt.

One partner totally releases everything without any fear of rejection or a fear of being a disappointment. And the other lets it all flow in into his own space with infinite capacity and no resistance whatsoever. A word like "absorption" is not the right word because the other will not "absorb" but will "receive so that everything will be equally shared". So the outpouring into the partner will be a very warm, relieving sharing of inner worlds. Like two oceans melting into one without resistance. Or two sponges melting into a single one and sharing all their warm fluids they had inside. Complete spiritual honesty within oneself and with the other. Shared by both. Burdened by none. You can try it already on me, so far you did it with sexual streams and upsetness streams, now you can try to stream into me what massively angers you or what you always hated about me (for example that I slept during the day) but never dared to let me know completely.

This was the major flaw in our relationship spanning millennia. It was this resistance in both of us. The resistance was very very tiny but it should have been none. We had to fix it. Every time you said something and I reacted, say, grumpy (in other words, I resisted your outflow) then this caused a backlash inside of you creating a) an unwillingness to share and b) a fear to be honest. Therefore, this resistance, no matter how small, is always accumulative because these fear and unwillingness incidents add up. It's also a vicious cycle: more resistance leads to more fear, and more fear leads to more resistance. When a boiling point is reached it explodes in violence or sinister plans which adds even more restistance and unwillingness to share.

It's a toxic brew getting ever-hotter and ever-sourer in a relationship as long as ours. It can only be dealt with by fixing this character flaw in us. We have fixed it now and are in the process of deflating and expanding. That's why you are falling in love again and wonder whether you may have divorced a guy you shouldn't have. No, you have divorced the right guy who was in need of some fixing (well be both needed a different type of fixing: I needed pastlife introspection, you needed thundercock introdicktion). One could say, you have divorced a mis-husband. That was always my feeling by the way: That we are perfect partners but came together in an "off/imprecise" alignment. And we needed this divorce to come back, but this time perfectly aligned.

On a side note: Is it "To marry the right guy, divorce the wrong guy?", Or "Marry the right guy, divorce the right guy"? Probably, it's "Marry the right guy, divorce the correct guy". Funny, how our marriage is the best way to illustrate the difference between "right" and "correct".

This is what happened to us, pretty exactly 3333 years ago now. And utter explosion. Then a few centuries later it got even worse because we were still messed up from the explosion. This time it was an utter implosion. It's what caved in both of us severely and made you "autistic". Then it got even worse. And this life you could marry me only with a trick. Try to find this trick. "Why did I marry him REALLY?"

So, you see, although we explode and implode, we always come together. Because we are guided by a strong superforce that we have created together in a state of utter love and total importance: To make this eternal marriage work. It's an eternal band between us. And no matter the size of explosions or implosions, this a force stronger than both of us. We share the infinite desire to make our marriage work. We come back, no matter what.

This process is now nearly finished and has reached the final centimeters. The final centimeters consist of stopping the descension and beginning the ascension, step by step like peeling off layers of an onion (but from the inside toward the outside). Step by step: insight -> catharsis/realization -> deflation/more awareness/power regainment -> ever-growing love and ever-hotter out-of-this-world sex.

And, oh, it is actually not I who writes all these words. It is us both, two soul halves. I just cognate them and bring them into a structured existence. That's what a wife's husband does.

Yes, there will still be some resistance, for example, I may still react grumpy, but this time around I will immediately introspect myself to find any source of grumpiness. So before it was "You made me grumpy, wife! I hate being grumpy, don't make me grumpy again!", now it is "You made me grumpy, wife! Wonderful, you have found another character flaw in me that I can fix. I love you so much for being my wife, who helps me to uncover my inner flaws. You made our marriage happier, please make me grumpy again *tonguekiss*".

(And all of this applies to grumpy wives, too, my sexy murderess. I will soooo help you to uncover wounds.)

Once this state of zero resistance is reached, there can be no such thing as a "flawed wife" or a "flawed husband" (aside from maybe short temporary moments). Zero resistance means perfect flow means perfect wife/husband means complete being at ease with each other = perfect marriage.

The reason why it all took so long (millennia) was because so far I had no method to find the source of the grumpiness. Now I have the method and I will show you. As it turns out, the reason why I couldn't find this method for so long was because I had a fear of failing and a fear of being a disappointment (which is something that you --as my soul half-- have, too, of course), and because we weren't honest with... ourselves. It's all getting fixed now. Expect catharsis. Expect rage. Expect ass.

Well, since you've asked (and I know you did), Why didn't he tell me all these things before? Well, first I was too stupid, then we got kids and less time. But the worst moment was when you told me you felt sexually harassed. So I succumbed, didn't dare to leave my room often because you would have been too unbearably irresistible. Having sex only 4 times a month was a constant degradation. Living with such a woman, sexiness on legs, and only being allowed to tonguekiss her so seldom. Even if you had been uglier, 4 times a month is like a village neighbor with benefits. (This was also very upsetting to me: You didn't seem to care at all about keeping my sexual pressure low.)

And since it was about sexual harassment, I was in constant danger of sued or being dragged out by cops into a police car. I was living in constant fear. Moreover, I am very knowledgeable about feminism. And one of the warning signs in a marriage is when the wife (even remotely) insinuates sexual harassment or rape. Maybe you think now "No, I never planned to do that to Sebastian." But think again, you were willing to use a false accusation about Kira against me. Moreover, after the divorce you told me "Well, I cannot stop you from visiting your children", but then you tried to anyway. Also we explicitly stated in the divorce contract that I will make zero problems with the divorce and other related issues (like the chicken farm that technically was half mine) and in exchange you would't demand child support. And yet you broke that promise, too, as you did with basically all the other points in our contract, one point at a time until even that was not enough for you. How's that for fear of being a disappointment? When you indeed were a true disappointment, you felt good about it.

So however you would have tried to calm my fears, it was too dangerous to believe you. I always knew you also had a dark, sinister side.

I was suffering very much but didn't want to go on your nerves or risk a divorce or jail. So I never said anything, especially not how horny you make me. Because that would make you even more nervous when I was around.

So I proposed the Saturday rule not only because of the jail danger, but also because I didn't want you to be under constant pressure from a husband showing up any moment and wanting sex on the spot. I decided, "OK, let's make it completely predictable for her: On a fixed day so that she could relax all the other days." But in the same moment where we agreed to do that, I told that it then must be guaranteed. I would prepare my whole week for it, not cumming before, so when the day came, I would be guaranteed to have my fun and could offload my pressure.

That was another promise you broke and so it became a nightmare of degradation that lasts to this very day.

OH!! THE CURSED SATURDAY RULE!!!

A day is pretty long, you know. Imagine you wait for a bus and don't know whether it will arrive in 1h or in 16h. And that's just a bus, not sex.

So would it be in the morning? Or at 23 o'clock? Or when I was right in the middle of my sleep? So even on the predefined day I was 1) being kept waiting 2) it could happen that you fell asleep or whatever and then haha, shucks, well can happen, sorry, hubby, we'll do it Monday (which was the case sometimes). So in a sense Saturday was the most stressful day. I was 1) under horny pressure before sex because I didn't know whether you will disappoint me again by not showing up. So when you showed up I had sex with a woman I was upset about. And 2) not fulfilled after sex because sex did not happen when I wanted (for example, one hour too early when I was in the middle of something.)

And think about it: Having sex in the morning vs night from one Saturday to the next changes the 7-day distance effectively to 6 days or to 8 days, or worse if it is delayed to Sunday night. So that's a 2 to 3 day difference. That's massive in a horny man's life.

So it was a) constant upsetness before Saturday (because I was longing so much), b) upsetness on Saturday (because I didn't know the time or whether it would happen at all) and c) upsetness even after I cummed on Saturday because I still was degraded to be a husband who is only allowed to cum when the wife's so chooses to squeeze him in for an appointment but otherwise doesn't care anyway about his sexual steaming.

These were the times when you asked me "Why do you hate me so much?" Again, I could only say "Oh, nothing" because of the fear to be honest (our relationship/character flaw) but also because of real fear of legal repercussions.

In a strange sense, the Saturday rule was like the failed homeschooling. It starts out with good ideas and Utopian goals, but then it turns out that a mom who is a teacher is neither mom nor teacher. You can't be strict teacher in the morning and loving mom in the afternoon. You can't be mistake-seeking school director the whole day, but then suddenly overlook all mistakes just because it's evening and it's lullaby time.

These roles do not blend.

The mom turns into an enemy of the kid by putting the kid under constant pressure. An enemy that can only sleep but can never be defeated or gotten rid of. And can only be satisfied momentarily. 24/7 pressure with no possibility of the child to vent frustration. Rather than the kid coming home from the strain of a public school, and mom waiting with chocolate cookies and a smile and asking whether the kid needs help with with homework... now the home is a stressful school and mom never stops being the dangerous eagle, hunting for any wrong move the child makes.

Maybe you were bitter about homeschooling, too. Because you, too, could never be a real mom. Maybe homeschooling has the potential to break not only kids, but also moms. Maybe you are still more bitter to this day about motherhood than you otherwise would be.

That's why homeschooling will fail and the only alternatives are private tutors or microschooling.

Our planned sex day was also something that didn't blend. A wife can't be untouchable flatmate the whole week and then 100% wife on Saturday. Rather than being a wife who offers relief when I need it, the wife turns into a delivery driver who comes too late "because reasons" while the customer had to wait. And on top, the delivery driver threatens to sue should one ever complain to the boss.. which coincidentally happens to also be his wife, so that all complaints are not only useless but could result in further deliveries to be canceled.

So I was utterly stuck, unable to say anything. Degraded and silenced.

What you maybe don't know: since the divorce I live in an absolutely pathetic state. I have only a tiny non-private room. I sleep on a pathetic couch in a loud room. It's not possible to have a job and then be in another country for months. And I cannot ask for social welfare because one can't leave Germany while on social welfare. And I cannot find a woman (not that I wanted any other besides you anyway) because I have no home. Whatever little money I have, I use it for the trips to Russia just because I love to be with our kids so much, even if it means I live worse than a dog. Even the hotel room is pathetic. Small, always loud, unbearably hot in summer.

Moreover, I cannot look for a job because the pastlife excursions cost an immense amount of time because I had to discover all the methods and tools, both physical AND spiritual (see later below), to finally find the solution to our marital troubles of millennia.

Pastlife sessions can be bodily draining, so I somewhat swapped spiritual health for bodily health. Only because I am the biggest supplement expert in the world (I have hundreds of supplements, as you know) was I able to do it.

It's a surreal state of existence I currently live in: Being totally in love with a woman who hates me so much. And "totally in love" is an understatement because not only do I love you more than any other man has ever loved a woman. But thanks to the pastlife sessions, this love continues to grow. It actually grows in both of us in parallel. Even you in Russia can already feel it, how you open up, how nice it is that I exist, how happy you are when you think about me. It's all true what you read on this page.

So even in a distant country, I gave my life, my heart, my thoughts, my sleep, my dedication, my health, my everything for you. I am not the perfect husband (yet) but I am the perfect divorcee, Nadyushka. You were always on my mind, you are always on my mind.

It was extremely hurting to see you sexually so fulfilled with Sergei. You made no secret of it of how much of an utter sexual loser I was compared to him. An utterly degraded loser worth getting beaten up (and more) for daring to see his beloved children and the woman he misses so much.

And when I told you (before the divorce) that I would like to up it to twice a week, you agreed and then immediately divorced me directly after, so we never had it twice a week.

In other words: You disliked sex with me and gladly used the Saturday rule to circumvent wifery. It's not like I forbade you to have sex any other day, we barely ever had.

For him you were willing to do it on a whistle. Instant delivery, no questions asked, satisfaction guaranteed. Me you kept waiting and in angst.

You so smeared it in my face what a punchworthy loser I was after the divorce, all while my eyes were adoring you and I just wanted a square centimeter of a touch or a few warm words on the playground.

And you can tell from my darker/angrier writing style, that I never had a chance to completely address this issue in my pastlife sessions. So the current separation situation and the constantly newly inflicted pain are very real and absolutely destroy me from within. I can only handle it by not thinking about it.

And, again, thank you for your birthday wishes. They meant the world to me that day after a very depressing birthday.

So, yeah, that's all about that topic. In summary: I really find the parallels to homeschooling interesting, haha.

First, it took us millennia to descend to the strange place we were when you married me.

Then it took me decades to become the biggest supplement expert there is on planet earth.

Then it took me years to develop the best psychotherapeutic method there is in the world, which could help so many patients, and which, by the way, explains every reason why Scientology auditing will always fail. Hubbard constantly misses the final step. This final step is so hidden that neither I nor the combined work of spiritual leaders and psychotherapy experts has ever been able to discover it. In fact, the same reason why all Scientology auditing must fail is why all psychotherapies will fail.

Then I needed years to turn this psychotherapy method into a method (which I call "Opconics") that dissolves deepest spiritual problems, the root source of it all. I started to write a whole book about this. Here's the table of contents, in case you are wondering:

• Introduction
• What is Opconics?
• Opconics Technique
• Opconics Technique as easy as 1-2-3
• STEP ONE
• Types of Mental Chatter -or- Identifying your mental chatter
• Localizing your mental chatter
• One additional step for beginners
• STEP TWO
• The Goal
• The Chain of Goals
• Opconics in practice
• The chatter's chatter
• Milking the laughter
• Signs of progress
• Correct sequence of STEP ONE and STEP TWO
• Special Case: Mental chatter that gives you unsatisfactory answers
• Demons and entities
• Demons and Superdemons
• Goal chains of your higher self
• Meta-Karma
• ...and so on

Then (since even with this method it's not enough to go deep enough) I had to develop special brain and biochemical combinations to be able to be in a meditative state of mind. At that point, I became the biggest expert in the world, too, and could be interviewed by Joe Rogan for hours. As a side effect I have also solved a mystery that science so far has no solution to, but that I will tell you about one day later. Another side effect is that I now know what the mysterious pineal gland and pituitary glands are doing spiritually.

Then it took me 1 year of sessions (nearly every day) to rid myself of all of my personal issues.

Then it took me 1 year to clean a lot of our intra-relationship issues.

Then it took months to find the sponge method.

On the side I also tried to develop a Bitcoin trading bot. This didn't work out in the end, because I had to learn that Bitcoin prices are influenced/manipulated by things like Elon Musk's tweets or Chinese hackers or Big Banks. Moreover, the trading exchanges manipulate orders and currency availability. And, bummer, they changed the tax code, so my bot wouldn't have been profitable anyway. It was futile in the end, but at least I tried.

So....it was a long journey but it will be so worth it. In fact, tonight you already applied this sponge method and relieved me immensely. I could finally offload a lot of frustration and slept like a baby. It's a pity we can't coordinate our times better. I mean, I understand why you are not writing me, you must always be able to say that you didn't write anything to me aside from birthday wishes. But isn't it nice to know that it is these birthday wishes and our wordless communications that are able to heal us? Such is the power of our love, my unbelievably matching soul half, that we can heal each other even without words and far away from each other.

Holy Holy Holy.

I absolutely loved everything you did regarding children. The thick books, how well you knew them, how happy your eyes got when talking about them, how important they were, how much sense they made, and how much security they gave you as a mom.

I loved your enthusiasm for the Montessori theories, your IKEA arrangements based on kids' needs, how big an area we reserved for them in our homes, the clothes exchanges, everything. I looooooved it. All of it.

Moreover, I loved it when you started something, but then, when it turned out to be suboptimal, you stopped it, like homeschooling. Loved it, all your arguments and reasonings for it and all against it.

Every time I thought about you, I thought "This is how perfect mothers should be." I loved you being a mom and I loved it that you loved being a mom.

I recently wrote Martin about how I agreed with you regarding the vaccination scepticism, maybe he has shown it to you:

That's exactly what was so important to me and Nadya. You should get the normal childhood illnesses and thereby have a better immune system for life. That's natural and also bonds parents because they go through the illnesses with their kids. Autism is also a real danger with vaccinations. This whole vaccination issue made me really upset. I met a family here in Germany who told me that their son got autism after the vaccination. They have become very strong anti-vaccination campaigners. They even left Germany when the government wanted to vaccinate their children against COVID.

Your body has also reacted negatively to the vaccination you were given, Martin. At the injection site you had weeks-long itchiness and frequently scratched your leg. Made me really upset. It went away only after I gave you N-Acetyl-Cysteine (which is a chelator) and Niacin (which causes the skin to flush out toxins). Just imagine if the itchiness hadn't been in your skin but in your brain.

Back then, when you had that itchy leg, I searched for studies that would explain that phenomenon. It's a known side effect, uncommon but you had it. Your own immune cells attack the injection site. The cells surround the foreign chemicals to prevent them from propagating throughout your system. This causes the itch. So there are toxic materials in there that no parent should want to have in their little kids' bodies. Makes me upset to this very day just thinking about it.

Additionally, you were like a family fairy, able to find new friends in Cyprus. (It's indeed one of your supernatural innate abilities, hence why Sergei was not by chance in Borisovka.) I cannot express enough how much I appreciated it that you connected us with those other families. When we moved to Russia, you suddenly turned from "Nadya in Cyprus" into a "Russian in Russia", someone who isn't even trying to find new friends. It was in that moment that I knew that whatever great benefits Russia offers, there is a flaw in the Russian way of life. Don't get me wrong, I like Russia, but this aspect of Russian life is very wrong and is antithetical to your innate potential. This part of Russia suppresses your true nature, my fairy. I much more prefer your natural "Cyprus mode".

And, oh my goodness, the bed stories. I loved it so much to be in bed with you talking about what Martin did or how Ron changed his awareness, or whatever topic. To this very day these memories are the golden, shining memories of my soul. No better way to describe it: gold, beaming light, joy of my life, the coming together of all aspects that make me happy. It's like being in a perfect state of existence: being together with my dream wife in bed talking about our dream kids. When they make Hollywood movies, and they show someone on his death bed and he sees scenes from his life, then THIS.WOULD.BE.IT. A beautiful woman in bed with a man who can't believe how happy he is, they talk about kids and crying babies. All covered in and streaming out golden light. Just like back then, in Egypt, me and you abd the kids.

The joy of the bed talks, now that I think about it, stems from something that is not usually part of the definition of parenting. Usually the definition goes something like "Parenting is when two parents care for their kids". So it's defined in terms of the direction Parents->Kids. But there is a spiritually richer definition which would additionally include Kids->Parents (= the joy that kids bring their parents) and Parent#1->Parent#2 (= the joy that a parent has when talking about their kids) and also Parent#2->Parent#1 and also Parent<->Parent when both parents see how aligned their thinking is. So it's multidirectional with at least 5 flow directions. It's something that you have once pointed out, too, when you said that just listing the burdens of being a parent, but never the joys, is painting an oppressive picture that is dark enough for women to opt-out of motherhood. So this is what creates this rich shining gold. All these directions add and multiply.

Then came the Saturday rule... and moved this beautiful event of "Bed talk about kids" in a bad direction. From being an everyday exchange of joy and an everyday update on "anything kids" to some kind of scheduled parent-teacher meeting, where one gets informed about only a few current issues that accidentally happened to come to mind on a Saturday. So in other words, the parenting during the week got more burdensome and less rewarding, while the exchanges on Saturdays got too unrewarding. The direction Parents->Kids got far greater than Parent<->Parent. It stems partly from this fact that you had the impression I didn't take care enough of the kids although in reality I was constantly dealing with them.

Again, it is not I alone who has these insights. These above stem from your soul, too, which wants me to know them. Your soul is unveiling what it veiled to yourself on purpose. It had to be veiled so you would become emotionally blinder and would divorce me. These are your viewpoints and always were. Since we are intensely spiritually connected, these viewpoints now flow into me, too, and melt into mine as if they were always mine. This is why you love to read these things and why you fall for me more each day. Thank you for sharing.

OK, now to the very topic. The "Retreating Upstairs Situation".

I just recently found out, in one of my pastlife sessions, to my great astonishment what a pivotal moment and massive issue it was for you, a massive trigger. Yes, of course, it was always a bad situation. But I never thought that your internal reaction was so severe. It also triggers Irina, by the way, which is why it was a double-attack on our marriage. As it was already, also by Irina, back then 3333 years ago. I found this out not by introspecting you, because you are able to hide things from my introspection. Your power to introspect me ("look into my soul") is stronger than my power to introspect you. This is also based on the fact that we are soul halves and that women must always stay mysterious to their husbands, isn't it so, my mysterious flower?

You will be astonished to find out who Irina is and why it triggers both of you so much when a man is retreating from you. The moment when you suspect... "Wait, is he... is he really? Yes, he's moving away from me... he's trying to escape me, get rid of me, get away from my spiritual hand holding him... I failed to make him stay. He's slowly disappearing into the far". In fact, I would suggest we trigger this again one day, for the purpose of introspection, so you can analyze the massive feelings that this causes in you. I saw your feelings (or rather Irina's) and was hugely astonished by what that did to your mental state.

This, however, is not how I see the Upstairs Affair. That's maybe how you saw it, but for me it was a totally different story: I simply got upset that you had complained to your parents about our marriage. I have never --not once-- said a bad word or a complaint or a criticism of you to my parents.

On the contrary, whenever they criticized you (not that it was really serious, more in the sense of "Shouldn't Nadya better do X?" or "Isn't Nadya too Y?") I have always defended you to the highest degree before them. I was your personal star lawyer and your White Knight. I have never allowed any criticism of you to survive. I would have talked for hours (had I must) to eradicate any doubt that: A) You're the perfect wife. B) I as the husband know exactly that you're the perfect wife. C) It would never cross my mind (and in fact never did) to look for other women, let alone cheat on you (worthless and disgusting!) D) Other women should be like you.

Not one grain of criticism would I have allowed to exist that could have created any shadow of a doubt that you were a superstar for me and a top mother for kids. And indeed you were. A superstar among females and a superhero among moms.

I am extremely faithful and being married to the perfect wife made faithfulness the easiest job in the world.

So now back to the Upstairs Affair. It was a shock moment which I still remember to this very day. I know where I stood, what I saw and how devastating it was: Finding out that you had complained about me. It was an absolute shocker. I literally didn't know what to do. All my life sucked out of my body. My theories on our marriage? Upside down. Not only did you not defend me, you actually complained about me. It didn't even matter to me what you complained about.

So I retreated. I was waiting for the moment when you say "I am sorry for involving my parents." A moment that never came.

Then you stood in front of the room with Kira in your arms. You holding small kids in your arms melts my heart anyway. But you standing with Kira in front of me and I actually feel and see how you try to make me change my mind is one of the most beautiful things ever. It was a test/plea to make peace with your man and to end an unnecessary situation. You wanted reunification with the power of your motherhood and with my love for children.

However, my soul was manipulated. Just as I wrote above that yours had veils that made you emotionally blinder, I had mine. I was forced to stand down and not make peace with you. I was forced to stand before you as a man who had indeed retreated from you or was unwilling to show mercy. There were several moments like this in our relationship. Me being forced by some supernatural grip to make the wrong decision in the right moment. Maybe you know of something like that in your decision-making process, too. Internally, it was like a voice/urge saying "Do not give in, do not allow the beauty of her standing before you to make you softer. She didn't say she was sorry, so there can't be peace anyway."

Based on how things developed later I cannot say that my decision to become an icy husband in that very moment was wrong.

Right now, too, I am in a very strong grip to write all these chapters for you. Maybe this is something that will make it easier for us to come together again.

But there are even more mysterious examples of "supergrip and conincidences", for example the exact dates when I had certain cognitions or reached certain revelations in my pastlife sessions. I give you an example: Above I listed what took me so long. First I had to become a supplement specialist, then this, then that etc. However, after I had developed all the necessary tools, I wasn't always introspecting only myself. There were whole months when I had to introspect others. Or months where I felt an immense urgency to make sure that there is no world war. Months where my only purpose to start a pastlife session was world peace. I literally wanted to go to bed but the supergrip forced me to do yet another session.

This was an intense urge for months which culminated in some massive revelations:

• On 10.07.2024 I found the final reason why Judas betrayed Jesus (essentially assassinated him).
• On 11.07.2024 I found the last reason for JFK's assassination.
• On 12.07.2024 (Caesar's birthday, another assassee) I finally found a massive reason why Russia wants to push the world into a war.
• On 13.07.2024 Trump survives by mere inches in just the right 1/16th of a second.

So in addition to all the things I had to do, I also had to stop a third world war. Talk about a versatile husband. The biggest danger (Trump's death) is over, but I need still to work on it.

And what do you know, Russia wanting war has something to do with you and your extremely strong and extremely suppressed sexual horniness that you don't even know you have yet. It's a fuck frenzy of epic proportions. Talk about atomic bomb level sexual desire that was unable to be relieved because for millennia we have been only descending never ascending. Back then I had noted in my session diary that it felt as if you (or rather your higher self), wanted me to know that I better hurry up with my pastlife excursions or there would be war. Out-of-this-world uncontrollable desire. So I had to depressurize a bit of your supervulcano magma chamber. Do you want to know how I did that? Nah, you don't, do you? *tonguekiss*

I mean, I don't want to force you to believe it, just sayin'.

If you think a mere human like Gospodin Rasputin could ever satisfy this type of sexual frenzy, well...haha. It takes your real husband to do it. A husband who checks all the boxes. You know exactly I am the real deal, my sexy Yellowstone.

But there's one caveat though. Once we are back together again, and we will, I have one demand: Whenever you come home, you will have to say "Honey, I'm home!" It turns me on to this very day when you did that. So penetrative. Wife back home. Forcing me to give her attention. I can't escape her urges. Need to cater to her needs. So wifey. Reminding me I have a wife, should I ever forget. Wife's on deck! So hot. Well, I guess, one has to pay attention when a vulcano walks in and says hello.

Wonderful. You are doing everything right!!!!!! The ascension has begun.

You are beginning to discover pastlife memories and pastlife decisions. The legs, Kira, the murder. There are pictures of this murder on the internet. The inscription on your gravestone is beautiful.

Remember when you told me "Kira shouldn't have been my daughter"? Well, there are plot twists in this, too. It will all make sense soon.

Remember the feeling when we both were on the playground (with the table tennis)? What a strange tension it was? This is now being depressurized. It was the center of the universe in that moment.

There is immense suppressed pressure in you and me. I am two years ahead on this, therefore I am somewhat depressurized already. That's why I am able to now be your depressuree. Isn't that a nice word? Let all your darkness and grudges out into me. There will be no resistance in me, I loooooooooooove when you let it out into me. This is the state of beingness we both wanted to achieve: Being able to be superreceptive and superhonest. A perfect marriage.

The worst is yet to come, prepare to be torn apart, but then the healing will be even greater. It's plot twist after plot twist.

*superwarmhug* (although you're probably not in the mood right now)

Small hint: Nearly all our lives ended prematurely in some kind of brutality. That's because we were on a tight schedule, so we needed to die quickly in nearly every life. It took millennia AND a tight schedule to accomplish our mission. We have been in a supergrip on a superschedule. There was not much sense to live 30 years in a nursing home. Our LEPM (Life Experience Per Millenium) is much bigger than the LEPMs of other people because we have lived so many lives more than the average person. On the downside, we have no clue what it means to age peacefully together. We are forever young.

This was the flaw in our thinking: We thought that we could fix our millennial marriage by fixing ourselves or by fixing the other. The sponge technique, however, only works when both together do the fixing at the same time by opening up at the same time (opening up to let go or opening up to receive). It cannot be done alone. It cannot be done together. It must be done with a voluntary desire to know, share, help and support. And it must be done by both as one. It's the repeated confirmation that the other can do no wrong in one's eyes, it's saying "You are perfect" over and over again. And isn't that the most beautiful, most intimate, most romantic way to again and again fall in love again?

Thinking about it, maybe this is what upsets you about a man leaving and what upset me about you going to your parents to complain. Both actions are the opposite of the sponge technique. I think we both felt somehow that this is the opposite of how depressurizing should work, so this is why we had to split. I had to find that last missing puzzle piece.

The only thing I am not happy with is the word "Sponge". Somewhat an ugly word and also incorrect because the two sponges only share their fluid temporarily. After a sponge shares its fluid, it is then then detoxified, dissipated and finally disappears. Wait, even this isn't correct, theoretically one could also share positive emotions, like a suppressed appreciation or so. I as the male partner may have discovered this thechnique, but you as the female partner will beautify it by giving it a beautiful name. We are such a fitting couple. We should meet someday. *handkiss*

The darkness in you, the darkest darkness, the one that ruined you and made you "autistic" is so dark that you should do some pre-runs. In a chapter above I mentioned that we should train triggering you by making you feel that a man leaves you. You can do this already. Maybe it was upsetting for you back then whenever I retreated into my room, not only during the Upstairs Affair. Stream that into me. This upsetness that your man is not there when he should.

What you did last night was very good: First you depressurized into me (this felt so nice) then you were able to access the murder scene. But there is no special sequence, you do what you feel you should. There is no StepA, StepB, StepC, there is only Step A, StepA, StepA. Whatever comes up, comes up. It could be depressurizing-> memory comes back-> more depressurizing-> more memory comes back. As I wrote above, it's like layers of an onion one by one.

If you don't know what to look for, here are some ideas and tips:

Idea#1: The massive darkness in you, the one that ruined you and made you "autistic" is so dark that you should do some pre-runs. In a chapter above I mentioned that we should train triggering you by making you feel that a man leaves you. You can do this by yourself already. Maybe it was upsetting when (back then) I retreated into my room, not only during the Upstairs Affair. Stream that into me. This upsetness/fear/anger that your man is not there when he should.

Idea#2: Remember the smug'ish feeling you had that Sergei is a handyman and I wasn't? Remember the feeling you had when comparing us? There is a plot twist in this. A very big one spanning millennia. This is something that you can think about, too. Think about what you have promised/guaranteed me.

Tip#1: Whatever angers you (during the day for example) is there to tell you "Hey, this is something you need to address."

Tip#2: It's always good to look for emotions, they are like threads sticking out. Pulling these threads can lead to something big. You are a Pisces woman (I absolutely loved that about you), you are actually the Archetypical Pisces woman. Pisces women are good at finding emotions. So that should be a natural ability of yours.

Tip#3: If you still cannot find anything, you can try "I was right to do XYZ. However, I shouldn't have been so harsh/unfair."

Waiting for you. We are not sponging experts yet, but I had the feeling that the method was that "lie on me" and then depressurize into me or allow me to depressurize into you. You, see we are already advancing this technique.

Utterly astonishing how I can take the right vitamins, supplements, biochemicals and then you do pastlife sessions through me. Unbelievably romantic. Entrusting me your inner world.

You have now found the massive rage you had about me not coming back. About me breaking the promise to come back

What I always wanted to tell you: The not coming back completely destroyed me. My reasoning back then was that I could not control myself. I was afraid, that had I come back, I would have murdered you (caused by powerful woman-hating demons that had attached to me). So I didn't come back. It was to make sure, you stay alive.

I punished myself for millennia for not coming back.

This is what I wrote on the 07.10.2024 in my pastlife session diary: Massively important pastlife journey. Very emotional. I was so stupid stupid stupid not to come back. Stupid stupid unforgivable and irresponsible. Dereliction of properly assessing priorities, importances and emotions and so much more. Upside down. I could have explained that I don't know what's going on. And she could have help me to explain my state. She would have told me that she loves me anyway. I know she would have told me that. Instead I played it safe and ruined her. Far worse than any murderous direct attack. I caused harm to her. Allowing her to suffer so much. I actually punched the bed and the hot water bottle. Unforgivable mistake. Utter fool I have been. It means I didn't trust that our love was stronger than some stupid demons. An utterly retarded undefensible take. Just a tiny message would have been enough. I failed failed failed. Unbelievable harm I caused. RRRRRRRRREALLY UPSETTING that I have failed that much. AAAAAARGH, could kick myself really hard.

There's more to this though.