Today, in one of my pastlife sessions, I finally saw it. My goodness, Nadya. Had I only known that you suffered so much in Borisovka and that you considered me such a drag on your life. That I was such a burden without any reward anymore for you. While you were suffering, I was adoring you. I was sitting in my room upstairs in Borisovka and was marveling at how blessed I was to have such a perfect wife... your smile, your hair, your Russianness, your everything. How you stood before me holding Kira in your arms, how you played with the children and danced with them, how happy they were, how you brightened up my life whenever you came into my room to tell me something small or when I saw you outside of my room teaching. I loved that you brought English into Russia. I loved your reasoning to start homeschooling, and I loved your reasoning to stop it.

How happy I was imagining us growing old side by side, sitting together, gray and happy, talking about the kids and grand kids.

You still make me happy whenever I think about you, which is every day and night.. and when I wake up in the middle of my sleep. I was telling everyone in Germany, and still am, that you are a perfect wife even after the divorce. I told Jaroslaw, just a few weeks ago (when he was here in Dortmund) that you are a perfect wife.

Your decision to divorce me came at just the right time to start my pastlife excursions. You are a perfect wife, even in divorce. However, there is one drawback: I constantly catch myself wanting to share a lot with you but can't:

"Oh, I wonder what she would think about this."

"Can't wait until she finds out who the people are in her life."

"Oh no, she will be really upset when she finds out what happened."

"I wish she knew why she has the feelings she has."

"God I already know that she will come crying to me as soon as she discovers."

I often think about how sad I am when you leave me standing in the hotel after only a few words. About how I am melting in Borisovka when I see you even from far away. Like when being stranded on an island and one sees a ship on the horizon coming closer. Tell me, why didn't you meet me more often in Borisovka?